M's Story ✨
So, this is less about the act, and more about the consequences.
I was sexually assaulted in the living room of my dorms, whilst lots of people were there too. It’s funny because I didn’t tell anyone for months because he made it feel like it was just a naughty experience we had (I continuously pulled away and told him to stop) and he didn’t want our friend and his girlfriend’ to know. I trusted him. I stayed silent.
When I finally told my roommate at the time, and I heard the story out of my own mouth, I realised that that was assault and realisation slapped me. I was so angry.
I told more people (Some of whom refused to believe me and shut me out, taking his side) and higher authorities in the school He found out and he got so angry with me, I left feeling like * I * was a horrible person. He kept talking about me ruining his future and how people see him if word got out... not once in this conversation did he say sorry to me or ask if I was okay.
For about two years, this was the one thing that truly haunted me. I told myself I had made it up, and I was exaggerating. I told myself that I was asking for it, I mean, we always did flirt. I told myself I was to blame and So I avoided him. He avoided me. You could literally see his hate for me steaming off him when we were in the same room. I was honestly terrified of him.
Fast forward a year, when he then started dating my best friend. After a while, I had to tell her because she could tell I didn’t like him. They dated for a long time, and I resented her for it. I’ve forgiven now because she was definitely sucked into his abusive ways. But it was really really hard for me, because she knew and dated him anyway.
The hardest thing was, at the start of the relationship, he declared he wanted to ‘patch things up’ because I lived with his new gf, so he made out to be the bigger person. Only when he dated her, did he finally speak to me. After a YEAR!! He wanted to clear things up, not for me, but for her, for sex, for another woman. I agreed because I love her and I ended apologising (stupidly) to him again just because I wanted my friend to be happy. I had to put up with him for a while, in my space, among my things, laughing with my friends. It was suffocating.
They had a rocky relationship and are thankfully no longer together. I now live in a different country and I have blocked him on everything. Only when she posted pics of them, did I have to see his face.
Anyway, I still feel guilt to this day, I haven’t forgotten and I haven’t been able to fully move on. I’ve still tarnished my memory so badly that I can’t even remember what happened fully. I blocked it out in fear and shame. But I will carry the feeling for a while. When I read about abuse convictions in the news, I feel sick. All because this man made me feel like * I * was the monster. I don’t talk about it to anyone in fear that I’ll come across as someone who made it up, because people didn’t believe me. People still liked him. And I had to watch.
I don’t mind what you do with this story but please keep it anonymous. Thank you for giving me space to talk. It’s been a while.
- M